just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
