covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
