you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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