I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
