Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
cat food counts as protein by the way
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
