I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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