is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
