her vagine was all disorganized.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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