I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
