Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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