yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
