I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
