Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
