i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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