drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
