Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
