You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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