They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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