GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
