DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
