I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
That's when you crack a 10am beer
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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