I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
