My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
