So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
