Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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