sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We left the knife in your bed.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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