Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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