I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
