forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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