Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
