the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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