They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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