she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
