My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
