the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
