Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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