please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
