I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
