No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
