Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
