the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
