I wish my penis had an off switch
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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