True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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