I met the friendliest cop last night
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
This is the high leading the old right now
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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