I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
