it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
