i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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