she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
