i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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