I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
