I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
